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Ragged Christmas Crackers

by The Ragged Flags

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1.
Wrap up tight it’s that time of year Give us a smile for your Christmas cheer Heading home for a week or more Family fighting ‘fore you’re in the door Christmas at my house Turkey’s too dry but the booze won’t run out Christmas at my house Turkey’s too dry but the booze won’t run out Granddad’s hanging round the locked sweet jar Grandma’s left in the back of the car Mum is fussing round the cold turkey Dad is waiting for the old Queen’s speech Sister arguing with her boyfriend Bond film on the telly again Mum makes brother do the washing up Dad has gone upstairs to sleep it off Christmas at my house Turkey’s too dry but the booze won’t run out Christmas at my house Turkey’s too dry but the booze won’t run out Wrap up tight it’s that time of year Give us a smile for your Christmas cheer Heading home for a week or more Family fighting but they’re still yours Christmas at my house Turkey’s too dry but the booze won’t run out (Come on over) Christmas at my house Turkey’s too dry but the booze won’t run out (Come on over)
2.
Now the nights are all early, the cold’s drawing in Wake or leave work and it’s dark once again You long for the Summer that’s lost round the bend But Christmas is my time of year Yeah Christmas is my time of year Now I’m not religious and I don’t believe I don’t know the significance of the tree But I’m all aglow like the lights in the street ‘Cause Christmas is my time of year Yeah Christmas is my time of year Now when I was younger I worked in a shop The same Christmas songs on a loop that won’t stop They’ll drive you insane while shoppers run amok But Christmas is my time of year Yeah Christmas is my time of year It’s time for your family and time for your friends The ones that you love and the ones you depend On keeping you warm ‘til the Spring comes again That’s why Christmas is my time of year Yeah Christmas is my time of year That’s why Christmas is my time of year Yeah Christmas is my time of year
3.
This office party’s really underway Here all the drinks are flowing, see all the people sway A long hard year ticked off the calendar Signals the time to sit on the photocopier I see you watching me across the room You’ve got that look about you, I know that pretty soon You’ll sidle up to me and then you’ll say “Come on it’s Christmas baby, let’s both just slip away” But don’t meet me under the mistletoe If I’d’ve wanted you then by now I’d’ve let you know Don’t lie to me or make me promises I know it happened once but it can’t happen again Now tongues are loose and inhibitions free Everybody’s racking up their regrets for January The boss is overhearing things obscene There’s wine spilled on the phones and Beer in the fax machine I know we kissed that time On the spring team building exercise But we have to leave those passions in the past From working grind we flee But that cupboard’s meant for the stationery We both know these office romances don’t last But don’t meet me under the mistletoe If I’d’ve wanted you then by now I’d’ve let you know Don’t lie to me or make me promises I know it happened once but it won’t happen again I know it happened once but it won’t happen again I know it happened once but it won’t happen again
4.
Where would you like to be on your Christmas Day? Look outside through the rain at the city grey Maybe we’ll, just for once, up and fly away Heading south to the sun where the dolphins play Now there’s crackers and there’s maracas As we party on the beach Drink coladas under the palm leaves Lit up like a Christmas tree Now there’s crackers and there’s maracas As we party on the beach Drink coladas under the palm leaves Lit up like a Christmas tree Feel the sun, feel the sand in between your toes Now there’s too many people and too few clothes Not a cloud in the sky, just the song of birds So we’ll dance ‘til the dark in the rolling surf Fly away, maybe we’ll fly away Maybe we’ll fly away for Christmas Day But it feels a bit strange to be frank with you ‘Stead of turkey and sprouts eating barbecue And they still use the same iconography Ads with Santa and snow play in boiling heat Now there’s crackers and there’s maracas As we party on the beach Drink coladas under the palm leaves Lit up like a Christmas tree Now there’s crackers and there’s maracas As we party on the beach Drink coladas under the palm leaves Lit up like a Christmas tree
5.
Now Christmas Day is dawning and It’s time to open up your gifts But the things that you’re receiving Could you give them any shorter shrift? ‘Cause I wrapped up all my love and left it right at your feet But to my amazement you then asked to see the receipt And you disregarded effort un-benevolently Oh I never dreamed the thing you’d be returning was me I got the re (re) regifting blues I got the re (re) regifting blues You didn’t use to seem ungrateful Though your friends would tell me all the time How they would buy you special presents And just watch you pass them down the line All the thoughtless things you bought me Which I took with a smile All the jokey Christmas jumpers that were totally vile All the times I choked back all my disappointment and grief It’s not the thought that counts it’s you That wants to count the money Now Christmas Day is dawning and It’s time to open up the door I’ll be walking out for Christmas And you won’t be seeing me no more ‘Cause the warranty’s expired on the love in your heart But I guarantee tomorrow is a brand new start And I’m sure you’ll find someone to boost your sense of yourself But for my part baby I’ll just put you back on the shelf
6.
You know I don’t like socks And I don’t want socks for Christmas But for some reason you buy them every year When I come down to the tree And I see the shapes before me I can tell right from the feel just what this present is Socks! Socks again! It’s socks! Socks again! You know it sucks — it sucks my friend To get socks! Socks again! Socks again! Why would you buy me this? Have I contrived to offend you? Did I screw up somewhere on the way this year? I remembered your birthday And I nailed our anniversary So why at Christmas are you punishing me with But now I think of it I don’t ever buy my own socks They somehow just appear there in the drawer It’s the little things that count It’s the way I know you love me And how every year together you give more Socks! Socks again! It’s socks! Socks again! You know it sucks — it sucks my friend To get socks! Socks again! Socks again Socks again! Socks again!
7.
It’s my birthday at Christmas but my name’s not Jesus It’s my birthday at Christmas but my name is Dave You could say that I’m a trier but I’m not the new Messiah It’s my birthday at Christmas once again Many years ago one Christmas morning For all humanity a new era dawning There was a baby born so extraordinary For avoidance of confusion I am talking about me! But every year I get the same old story No one available for my birthday party Everyone’s busy with their Christmas plans If I start my own religion maybe they will turn up then As birthdays go, Christmas Day is the worst Out of the holidays, I’d pick any other first New Year or Valentine’s might make you sob At least you’re not competing with the son of God! And do you know what I find really galling? December twenty-fifth’s not His actual birthday We didn’t have Christmas ’til 400 A.D. It was just a Pagan festival, are you f**kin’ kidding me?! It’s my birthday at Christmas but my name’s not Jesus (No I’m not Him!) It’s my birthday at Christmas but my name is Dave (Oh you know my name!) You could say that I’m a trier but I’m not the new Messiah (Not the Messiah!) It’s my birthday at Christmas It’s my birthday at Christmas It’s my birthday at Christmas once again
8.
Dead of night in a quiet house And not a creature stirs Wait for the footfall up on the roof A creak upon the stairs Then suddenly all the kids awake To see what Santa brings Enough noise to make the whole house shake As Christmas Day begins So come on down with me And sit beside the Christmas tree While their little faces glow so happily ’Cause you and I we know The past is young but the future’s old So unwrap your present now with family Now there’s paper all around the house And strewn across the floor Find the sherry while the children shout Think we can take one more So come on down with me And sit beside the Christmas tree While we hold each other close so happily ’Cause you and I we know One day you’re young and the next you’re old So unwrap your presents now with family This is why we work all year Why we suffer life’s indignities All to see those beaming faces Sat beside the Christmas tree
9.
It’s Christmas Eve now in the city No strangers just friends yet to meet Waited all day to drink our cares away And then stagger out into the street The year it must come to an ending We knew it would fail all along List all the rules for these fine festive fools As they sing you their salvation song We dance our dreams in the gutter I walk with you stuck to my side Howling all night midst the bright fairy lights And the smell of communion wine These feelings of Christmas are fleeting The days that we’d pay to prolong No guarantee of a fine melody For these singers of salvation songs We are our own congregation A voice that we raise through the throng The night it was cold but the stories we told As they flowed in your heart kept you warm If you’ve found a love that sustains you A place where you feel you belong If no one else heard would you whisper the words To the singers of salvation songs? It’s Christmas Eve now in the city And everyone’s drifting away Heading back home you know you’re not alone As the churches ring out Christmas Day When battling days are before you When all that you know has gone wrong Raise up your glass in a toast to the last Living singers of salvation songs Raise up your glass in a toast to the last Living singers of salvation songs
10.
Hang out the lights and put up the tree We’ve waited and planned so expectantly But everyone sometime Spends Christmas in the rain You know it’s a season that’s hard for some The skies may be grey but our hearts are warm So hold onto each other This Christmas in the rain It’s gonna rain my love But Christmas Day has come We’re heading home It’s gonna rain my dear But I will hold you near ‘Til winter’s gone Think of the faces you don’t see there At everyone’s table stand empty chairs But they’ll live in our memories Each Christmas in the rain These are the thoughts that are bittersweet The young ones that they had no chance to meet But we sing out their stories At Christmas in the rain These are the days of our Christmas cheer To lay down the burdens we’ve borne all year As we gather together This Christmas in the rain Each day’s a gift that you give in kind Together the weather we’ll pay no mind ‘Cause everyone sometime Spends Christmas in the rain Yes everyone sometime Spends Christmas in the rain Yes everyone sometime Spends Christmas in the rain
11.
Blue Baubles 03:44
Festive season can really get you down Every minute of every day You’re always running around Have you been neglectful of your other half? Take some time when Chistmas rolls around To take the pressure off Because Christmas can be a sexy time Maybe pour a little cup of eggnog Or a bottle of wine Wrap the presents for your near and dear Then get yourselves a little piece of action For your Christmas cheer When it’s Christmas everybody glows Feeling frisky in the falling snow Getting nowhere whatcha gonna do? Tree lights are red but my baubles are blue Now the mood’s changed in this house of mine Christmas morning has come at last And we’re feeling fine We’ve been up all night ‘cause we’ve been wrapping gifts So while we’re here we thought we might as well Just make the best of it Christmas time but don’t hate the playas ‘Cause you know some folk get turned on by layers When it’s cold outside wrap yourself tight Just like a Christmas gift to last through the night When it’s Christmas everybody glows Feeling frisky in the falling snow Getting nowhere whatcha gonna do? Tree lights are red but my baubles are blue How ‘bout you?

about

Every year from 2012-21 (usually at the last rehearsal of each year) the Flags wrote and recorded an original Christmas song, as a little present from us to you. Every Christmas song is collected here, fully remastered from the original recordings. Plus a bonus *eleventh* song!

Check out the individual single releases for B-sides, alternative versions and special mixes. A very Merry Christmas to everyone!

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RAGGED CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

This all started as a bit of a lark. We were in a dingy old rehearsal space near Borough tube for our last band practice of 2012. We jammed on some Christmas tunes, considered recording one. The others nipped outside for a quick break and I was alone in the room. Suddenly a melody popped into my head and I sat down and wrote ‘Christmas At My House’. Took as long to write as it does to sing it aloud.

The rest of the band came back in, we played it through and then recorded it, put it online with an image of Paul in a Santa hat. I came up with another tune in the last rehearsal of 2013: ‘My Time Of Year’. The following year we put a bit more planning into it and made ‘(Don’t Meet Me) Under The Mistletoe’, and we were really off to the races.

The pattern was established: every year we would write and record a brand new Christmas original. The idea grew into an experiment: why not create a whole Christmas album, one song at a time? Could we do this year in, year out?

There were times, I must be frank dear listener, where finding new angles on Yuletide every year was tricky (yes: I *do* have a family member who was born on Christmas Day, but no, their name is not Dave). Somehow, every time, we did it. I resolved to get to ten songs and then finish; we would say every year in our email newsletter that we would probably take next year off, but always knew better (don’t tell anyone I told you so). As it happens, we did eleven, with a bonus track for this collection.

An important point: not all of these songs are jokes. There are a few outright ‘comedy songs’ here, but some heartleft ones too. ‘Crackers & Maracas’ sprang directly from a conversation in a pub, though even there I found I had something to say about the dislocating experience of Christmas in a sunny climate. The same goes for ‘Socks Again!’ — even when tongue was firmly in cheek, we wanted to communicate real personal joys and experiences.

This all started as a bit of a lark... and stayed one, right to the end. What more could you want for Christmas? Thanks for listening along with us. Ho-ho-ho. Also: we’ll definitely be taking next year off. We mean it this time.

James Goodwin
North London, November 2021

credits

released December 10, 2021

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The Ragged Flags are:
James Goodwin - vocals, rhythm guitar, keyboards
Mark Aldworth - lead guitar, mandola, piano, backing vocals
Chris Edwards-Dewey - bass, backing vocals
Paul Whibley - drums, backing vocals, bells & whistles

Fiddle on 'Salvation Song' by Jessie Morgan

All songs by The Ragged Flags
Music by Aldworth/Edwards-Dewey/Goodwin/Whibley
Lyrics by Goodwin (©2021 Copyright Control. All Rights Reserved)

Produced & Mixed by The Ragged Flags
Recorded at Borough Studios, Paddington Blares, Highbury Studios, Britannia Road, Brockley Studios & Stokey Cokey Studios
Remastered by Marten Darlings at Stokey Cokey

Sleeve Photography by Sam Whibley
Sleeve Design by James Goodwin

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The Ragged Flags UK

The Ragged Flags are a UK four-piece with their own distinctive sound incorporating the essential natural juices of rock, pop and folk with the lovely chunky bits of country and blues.

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